I'm in no condition to be conscience at the moment let alone to blog. Okay, maybe its not that dramatic, but I've been laid up since Friday night (right now its Monday morning, I believe), and I'm tired of being absent from the world of the living. Whatever I have isn't strep though it feels like an evil, less humane cousin. I had to cancel a gig on Saturday night which felt more awful than being sick. I managed to make it to NewDay @ the Y yesterday to play keys, and thanks to fantastic band mates they would have been fine without me.
I began this blog last week and am determined to finish it up today. Okay, to be honest, I only wrote the title last week, but that's a start, right? I thought it was clever, or at least catchy, and wanted to write it down before I forgot. Today, I've decided it is entirely NOT clever and only marginally catchy.
The original intent of this blog, as the aforementioned title suggests, was not to bemoan the fact that I'm under the weather, but to bemoan the fact that summer is reaching its conclusion and I literally cannot stand it. Maybe this virus is my body's way of connecting my physical self with how I've been mentally feeling these days.
I've loved just about every minute of this season and I don't want to give it up.
One of the first things I learned to dislike about southern Minnesota when I moved here from northern Minnesota was the thick and heavy air that seems to settle in during the summer months. It literally sticks to a person and forces them back inside as if it were the dead of winter.
This summer; however, the weather has been divine. This cooler, dryer air has rendered the indoors an ugly alternative to life outdoors. The hair on my kids' heads has lightened at least four shades from being outside from sunup to sundown. There's been a lightheartedness to each morning as I've met the sun as its made its appearance above the farm across the field.
The garden, the raspberries, the apple tree, and the kids have all grown over the past few months, symptoms of time doing what it does - bringing change and progress. Sometimes faster than I'd like. I'm a part of it all, but it would all happen with or without me. I have to weigh my influence carefully. Not too much and not too little. Just the right amount so that each can be free to develop into who or what they were designed to be. Those little seeds that started this Spring are now vegetables in our freezer, fruit ripening on the vine or little bits of new and amazing discoveries made by our children.
One area of life I don't often mention on this blog is my life in ministry with NewDay Church @ the Y. I would be remiss if I didn't mention the "Vocational Excellence" class I took as part of my licensing through the Evangelical Covenant Church. The content of the class helped hold a mirror in front of myself in order to learn more about how I tick and how my personality so dramatically affects how I function as a minister (and a person). Profound stuff, people.
I've fought for words, and music, over the past three months as I've put pencil to paper. As my publisher has said, there's been a change in my writing (for the good, he says), and its been an exciting time in developing the skill of putting life to song. I'll never really figure it out, but I love trying. I've listened to the stories of the incarcerated and continue to appreciate that they allow me into their world. I've listened to the words in my own heart, and the Word, as I've written songs reflective of what's in there. I thought song writing would get easier the more I did it, but its been the opposite thus far.
There are a few concepts floating around in my head for the next recording - ideas that will incorporate a different way in getting my music, and stories, "out there." I'm gonna let all that roll around in my brain for a while and see what happens. Though I can say I'm itching to get these songs I've been working on into a collective. More on that in early Spring 2015. After this baby girl gets here!
Speaking of babies, my oldest baby begins kindergarten next week. Unexpectedly, this is shaping up to be the biggest challenge for me as this summer winds-down. See, when he was born I was thrown into this unknown and uncomfortable world of motherhood. It was foreign and did not come naturally to me. Playing piano - now that has always come naturally. In the beginning, the fact that a little person's well being depended so greatly upon me was something I could hardly stand under. At times, I couldn't. Thankfully, my husband took over in those moments and we somehow managed those first precarious six months of postpartum depression, anxiety and a steep, steep learning curve. Its a wonder any of us survived. I always assumed that by the time kindergarten rolled around I would be so very ready to usher him into the next stage. Now; however the thought of him depending less and less upon me is strange and foreign.
This child is doing what he is supposed to do. He is learning, discovering, growing, changing, overcoming, adapting, struggling and preparing. He's ready to do this. Ready to go to school. To climb the steps of that school bus and take a seat on this new journey. The best I can do is to be ready, too. To save the tears for later after I've kissed him goodbye, to support him, to guide him, to walk with him and love him through the tough parts.
I'm so proud of him for this. I'm proud of me, too, that I've managed to grow into this motherhood thing and not just enjoy it, but love it.
I've taken the past couple of weeks off from anything "extra" in order to spend this time with Gabe (and Isaiah) before he transitions to school. Maybe that's why being sick has made me so mad. I've also had one too many "important" things creep up that have robbed me of time.
This week we'll simply enjoy each other and I'll ignore the fact that next week comes "meet the teacher" and the first day of school.
BUT, as always, there's much to look forward to as well. September & November will be busy with music making, preparations for the baby and maternity leave and then in December (or whenever) we will welcome a new member to the family. Oh, yeah, and I'm so super excited to be a part of the Americana Showcase sometime in the next year.
Things always change. Maybe that's the point of these meaningless meanderings, but I just want a few more moments with how things are right now. Well, except for this virus.
What are you looking forward to (or not) as summer comes to its conclusion? Oh, and by the way, summer officially ends on Tuesday, September 23rd.